So, as the saying goes "(insert your belief) does
not give you more than you can handle", but that saying is bullshit. There are times that you get a
plateful of circumstance and you just can't stomache it all. You try but it's just too much...you
know you cannot handle it. You
know, but you blindly try anyway. You
put on a happy face even though your blasted soul wants to run away. Run away to a safe happy place. A place well within your comfort zone. Floating freely in the shallow
sissy-ass surf instead of fighting for your sanity amongst the deep pounding
waves.
You put it in your head that you've had enough, that
you are certainly on the wrong path...that even though all the signs in your
past led you to this place, this place where you supposedly are meant to be,
maybe, just maybe you read one of the signs wrong. That one sign -while you were in a
foreign country- that sign that was in a strange language, perhaps. You know you don't always like to admit
it when you are confused, when you are lost...maybe that is what happened. You didn't know the meaning of the
sign, but you pretended you did and it led you down the wrong path. The wrong way, but you kept going
because like a wedding engagement that wasn't meant to be, you know it feels
amiss, but it's extremely difficult to stop that fucking white lacy ball from
rolling and it is rolling so fast.
Rolling so fast along the wrong path. Oh wait...you recognize this scenario You know you have been here before. You stop everything and move to
the side of the road. In
the grass and weeds you stop, close your eyes, hands on knees you take in full deep breaths, then
open your eyes and examine the path you just stepped from, the path that for so
long was smooth and easy is now full of rocks, potholes, twists and turns. What the hell! How did it get so rough?
Then you see an innocent face connected to a tiny body
lying helpless in the path and unlike your young engagement (which you knew for months was wrong), your heart
pulls you back to that damn path that you were sure was leading you in the
wrong direction.
For 25 years, you have learned to listen to every core of your being and know what you need to do. Listen to your caring heart, your existence: You know now is not the time to turn back and run.
In the past you ran, not out of fear, not because you
gave up, but because you knew deep down that that rocky road would lead you
towards disaster not away from. You
look at the path in front of you and wipe your eyes, you notice the small
flowers poking up through the rocks as well as the twists and turns which now
appear not as sharp as you initially percieved.
You take another sip of your $3.00 coffee and you
breathe. You feel the
coffee's warmth and smoothness as it flows into your body. You -with
subconscious fluidity- place your glasses on the top of your head, and now with
able access, rub your eyes deeply, then commence rubbing your whole face, feel
your energy level rise, your mind dismisses the tossing and turning painful
sleeplessness remembrance of the night before.
You look at the beautiful life next to you, that tiny
life lying directly in your path. The
life that is ridiculously burdened with anemia, HIV, TB and the recently detected hole
in her heart.
You remember the 50+ innocent lives dependent upon
your care, the small and the tall all carrying their individual suitcases
filled with past helplessness, despair, abuse, neglect and vulnerability. You bundle them all up in your arms
and relish in their sheer weight. With
a semi-clear mind, you struggle to get back on the path whilst slipping a few
times; "How did you allow your mind to wander so far off?" you ask
yourself. You shift the
weight around, Is it your imagination... or is the load getting lighter?
You get back on the path, you look left and you look
right. The shallow end is
calling you, ahh...floating freely alone, not a care in the world...but with a
confident smile and the 'I want' line creasing firmly on your forehead, you
head in the opposite direction.
________________________________________
This post spewed forth redicuously fast, (faster than
I could write with a pen and paper -a skill I had long since dismissed) after
walking the long hospital corridor as I cared for our sickest child. Through
out the days, I walked past a corridor lined with beds. Beds filled
with infants and their family members. A
mother and father sitting in a bed holding a tiny sick infant. A grandmother with her sickly
grandchild, the beds went on and on. Not
in rooms, but in the hallway, in beds, to fill the overflow.
I walked until I reached the doors to freedom, to the
outside. As I walked past
more families in peril, who were stationed outside, I finally reached the
outskirts of the hospital grounds. Coming
upon the main road, I turned left. Destination
programed in Google maps on my iPhone -Brown Coffee. A place where I was to buy my $3.00
latte.
People die for lack of $8 worth of antibiotic for an
infection. How could I be
so careless?
I remember my life's balance...my life's balance. It cannot be changed where I was born,
where my parent's (who also had no control over their parents lovemaking) love produced a newborn girl in the wee
hours of 25 February, 1968. Thank goodness the birth control pill
made my mom sick!
The struggle is real for many expatriates (a person
who lives outside their native country) all over the world. How do we balance our previous
lifestyle while living in a country with so many destitute. How do I not feel guilty paying for
luxuries? (and they are luxuries, -no one anywhere needs a $3.00 cup of coffee
with steamed milk.)
I am almost 50 years old, regardless of how I feel or
appear to be, and I have live over 40 of those years in luxurious comfort. Once
upon a time (was that this lifetime?), I flew to vacationland in private planes for god sakes with the destination to miscellaneous 5 star hotels and an unlimited budget. But
for whatever reason, my path has led me to live a life opposite of what I used
to work in. It's not easy
to change and, for the vast majority it's not desirable, to give up life as we
know it and live in a similar financial
status as those around us. "How
does an expat exactly live on $1.00USD a day, much less $10 or $15, or even
$20.00USD a day?" Why
would they try?
This is a question that cannot be easily answered. For myself, that is the balance, how
to live in rural Cambodia, to fit in the best a blue-eyed, light skinned
American woman can, within a village of beautiful multi-colored skinned, brown
eyed humans. How to find
that balance without feeling guilt, without feeling the burden
of privilege (and yes, privilege can be an emotional burden) without
feeling that the Universe has given up on me, or laughed in my face.
Balance...realization...the ability to 'handle it'.
In reality, I
have given up nothing, I have received everything.
3 comments:
I so often have these exact same thoughts and emotions!
You are who you are, and your past experiences and life are what they are. If an $8 coffee and muffin is all that you need to maintain and continue on your path, then it is well worth it. And being hard on yourself for it is not.
Kia Kaha (stay strong) Melinda you do an amazing job and the children love you dearly,we all have days when we need a double,triple shot lol!!Xx
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