13 January, 2015

Pain pain go away, don't come back another day.

Oh, if it could only be so easy.  

What if you didn't experience pain?  Emotional and physical pain are a part of life.  There are multiple choices one can have such as embracing the feeling - live in the moment!  You can cry, whine, bitch and make everyone around you miserable.  You can wish it wasn't happening, wish it upon someone else, wish it would go away...on and on

Physical pain is one thing, in the majority of cases it is temporary, thus having a beginning and an end.  You get hurt, you heal.  The length of time varies, but in the end you heal and the pain ends.  This is physical pain such as my stupid leg that continues to be an albatross around my neck.  but that too will end someday.  It's inevitable and may take another month, but the physical pain I have learned to live with for the past 2 months will end.  This I know.

What about emotional pain.  It hurts in a different way.  It's not necessarily constant, comes and goes as it pleases without any evidence of staying away for good.  There is a beginning but sometimes no end in sight.

In four days, my father's physical presence will have been absent in my life for 6 years.  This fact is hard to believe.  SIX years without his laugh, his sarcasm, his philosophies, his worrying, his sarcasm, his laugh.  The hurt I feel when typing this is real, it's as real as the physical pain in my skin graphed butt (a pain in the area, that I am sure I was to him many a time).  How can you stop the pain in the provable heart?  In my experience, you can't.  Over time it may lesson and be absent, but then a smell, a sight, a sound can trigger a thought and the pain flows through my body like it was 17 January 2009.

The first quarter of given years has held many adventures for me.  I moved to other countries during the first quarters of years.  My birthday is in Feb, which is always a change.  The first quarter always seemed like a new beginning.  When I was 21, I moved on Feb. 5th, during a terribly cold day (wind chill below 0 F).   A day I will always remember.  With the news channels siting a chance of frost bite on any exposed skin, I moved from one apt. across the complex to another.  Something quite small in the realm of things, but at that time, I was moving into a new life - I didn't care about the weather, I was entering into a new life with new adventures.  The family and friends who helped me cared though...A LOT and I am forever in their debt for sacrificing their comfort as they cursed and tugged and carried and cursed as they drug my and my flat mates entire world across a pitted parking lot covered in ice and snow.

After years of adventures in the first few months, 2009 held a new kind of adventure.  An adventure of living with part of my heart gone.  No skin graft to cover the large hole left behind by my father's death.  No pain killers to dull the ache.  No "little yellow pill" to help me on my way, to help me get through a busy day...

Yeah, my leg hurts, yeah, when I went to the doctor today, only a part of the skin graft adhered and I had to have another 'smaller' graft.  So what that my butt will have another scar.  There is bigger pain to deal with today and in the coming week.  A pain that will slowly subside...for a bit and then come back; waves flowing in and out.  

There is a good thing about emotional pain though, through the tears, sometimes a memory makes you smile or triggers a laugh-out-loud and over time, this happy pain takes over the sad pain as it occurs more often.  Smiling though the tears doesn't have to mean you are being strong, it can mean a loved one is very present at that moment in your life, so present that your lips curl into a smile and maybe just maybe that hole become a little smaller.


Charlsie Russell said...

Love you, Mindy

Deanna Hoxie said...

Mindy, I feel the same pain every October, as the anniversary of my best friend's death approaches! I will never forget when my mom called in the middle of night (my heart always jumps when I get a call in the middle of the night, especially when it is from Kansas) and told me we had lost Uncle Dave - all I could say is "WHAT". I think she thought I couldn't hear her because she just kept saying it again, only in different ways, so I would understand. My heart goes out to our whole family as the date approaches. I love you all and miss my Uncle Dave so much. Try to smile and remember the best times, but cry anyway and miss him anyway. He is with us, I am sure of that! My love to you, Deanna

Melinda said...

Love you too, Lucy.

Deanna, thank you for your comment, I know you loved dad and miss him too, how could a person not? And I know how much you miss Monica.

Love to you both,