12 June, 2014


When you leave your home for a vacation it’s assumed that when you get back, your kids and animals will all be there, and your house (albeit not in the shape you left it) will be the same.  This is not necessarily true in my case.  My chosen life is a delicate balance of 2 families across the globe from one another. 

One family has known me for 46 years, the other a mere 3 ½.  Both families fulfill the most basic of human needs – Love, but in different ways.  In one family, we laugh so hard “the tears run down our legs” and in the other I cry at the ever changing challenges that I have no control over.  In one family, I sit outside and relax in the cool breeze, in the other; I sit outside in the heat and do anything but relax.

One family demands my time, the other gives me plenty. In one home I sit in the air-conditioned comfort, the other I find myself overjoyed at the slightest breeze that makes its way through my open window. 

My life would not be complete without both…I’ve written about grief before, the loss of a loved one.  In order to grieve you must care and in order to care you must open your heart and in order to open your heart you must be prepared to grieve.

Loss comes in various forms, death being the most evident.  Grief comes from a loss of presence and at this time in my life, I am grieving for 3 little boys; one in particular.  The little boys have gone home to their parents (seemingly) for good.  They are no longer a part of my life, but although I am sad, I cannot imagine never having them be a brief part of it.  

Too many questions....Will they go to school?  Will they grow up healthy?  Will they be happy? Will I ever forget little arms hugging me so tight around my neck?

I cannot answer these questions and it’s probably better that I can't, as there’s no guarantee that the answer will be ‘yes’ to any of them.  The only assurance is that their parents did not have to take them back, but they wanted to and that has to be enough to satisfy my broken heart.

Sometimes it’s hard to imagine life without the ups and down that comes with allowing yourself to have a family, but sometimes for a very brief grieving moment in time, it’s hard to imagine why anyone would want one…and then you remember all the reasons why or maybe you remember just three of them.