I have been asked at different times by people something like “how did you give it up?” “How were you able to just leave everything behind.”
My answers varied during each conversation, but lately I started thinking about what they asked and wish I would have said more at the time than just saying “Oh, my path led me here”. It’s not really that simple even though it now feels like it was.
I remember times when I was torn over decisions I was forced to make, decisions that not only affected my life but those around me, too. As I choose one path over another time and again, sometimes I unintentionally hurt those close to me. As I searched to find meaning in my life, I moved from house to house, broke promises that I had made to love interests, and confused my family and those that tried to figure out why.
“Why can’t you just be normal”, I was asked once. I laughed outwardly along with others, but inside I was angry. Angry at this so-called-friend who didn’t understand that my life was normal to me. Angry because she assumed hers was! This one woman who lives in the middle of the United States and who has never been out of the country (much less out of her state) assumes ‘her’ life is ‘normal’. I guess in comparison to the 1000 materialistic people around her, it is, but when you compare the life she is leading to the billions of people in the world, I would have to say that her life is very much abnormal in an alarming harmful way.
So when asked “How did you leave it all behind”, I must look at what I actually left. Obviously the physical human lives, which I am not able to see as often as I like is one thing, but besides that, I left many many things quite easily.
I left financial burdens such as a car payment, rent, insurance, monthly phone bills, etc. I left complaints over gas prices, over the high price of organic food, $3.00 cups of coffee. I left my vanity behind, no more worrying about my hair, face and nails, or whether my clothes matched every morning. I left drama (mine and others). This list can go one and on...
Over time, I was able to let go of feelings of inadequacy, insecurities and finally the desire to have an adult relationship. America is supposedly about freedom, right? Land of the free? Personally, I am far far away from that country and yet, I have never felt more free than I am now.
Free, yes, selfish, no. I didn’t think about what I was leaving (those realities came about later), but what I focused on was what I was gaining. A heightened sense of awareness that can only come from being invited to explore and examine another way of life, another culture or religion perhaps.
I am now fitting into this culture the best I can and have never felt more fulfilled. I don’t blog as often because of this new sense of normalcy. The kids are constantly doing interesting, cute and news worthy things, but it’s become harder and harder to make the time to blog about it. I guess that’s where hand-held devices come in handy…but it’s not something I will be utilizing in the future.
I guess for now, I will continue to live life as I know it, but at the same time will try to keep everyone updated a bit more regularly. Here are some 'feel good' photo's to hold you over until the next update :-)