11 March, 2009

running from something or yearning for more...

What is this feeling?? I want to leave everything. I want to move from my place, find a new job, leave this country...but on the flip side, i want to be close to something.


If I could turn back time...I would have my father still alive, but what would that change? Would it change me to have known a couple of months ago that I would have to alter my saying "my parents house" when it's really physically "my mom's house". It's not a matter of the "I wish" as in "I wish I would have been able to talk to him one last time". That's irrelavant, I can talk to him in my mind, plus it was always an unspoken emotion in our family about our love for one each other. Something that was not verbally needed. It's a matter of living life NOW instead of putting off for a future date.


Maybe I wouldn't want to run if dad were here? Maybe I would. There is a force pulling me somewhere, somewhere that is not DC. Where, I don't know...but somewhere that is not here. I am a patient person, but sometimes I want to scream "Where do I fit in". What in the hell am I doing here? Not necessarily DC, but what am I doing HERE, on this planet. How many people think the same thing??? How many people do anything about it?


My dad was bigger than I knew him. He was my dad for almost 41 years, but of that time, only 19 years did I live with him. He was Dave before I became a part of his life, and was Dave after I left home. How many lives did he touch...no way to know the numbers, but I am aware that it's impossible to judge. I used to want to be somebody, like a "mother Theresa" (without the nun part). My ego made me want to be remembered. Now that is still in my mind, but the importance of it is dimished. Once I am gone, does it really matter if I am remembered for generations? I have already made an impact on this earth because I am here. When I return (my catholic upbringing denouncing this mere thought) I will be a better person, I will remember death and be different.


I feel like going outside and screaming...and in my neighborhood, no one would think twice about the sound (although they might not recognize the voice). I won't though. I will assume that typing will ease my mind, the thoughts of the wandering lust. Putting it into the internet realm may make the urge lessen. I tried for months to just write and save to my hard drive or erase...it didn't work...now, I type and write in my journal to satisfy my mind...

2 comments:

Carlos said...

Mindy, these words cut to the essence of being a human... I loved the way you put it out there. Im not ready for my Dad to go, my mother, my friends, myself. The bad thing of loving life is being okay to leave it. Blessings and safe journey.
Carlos E Montoya

mkl said...

Thank you Carlos, I am the person I am because of my parents, siblings, extended family, friends, people who came in and out of my life...

I cherish the time I have with those who touch my heart because my time with them is uncertain. Pain is an amazing emotion and can make or break a person; it has made me a better human :-)