14 March, 2009

looking forward.

My freedom! I think I am trapped, but look what is at my 'back' doorstep. Stairway to something else. If i concentrate on "what I have" instead of "what I want" I can change my attitude.

Hang my hammock, enjoy the sun, think...enjoy who I am and where I am.

This 'Mad World' will go away!

unconditional love

I love coming home to Mickey. He is awesome. When I unlock all the doors to get into my "lock down" house he is waiting for me. I'm sure he runs down the stairs at the first click of the gate. He loves to be in my room and sleeps with me at night. He's not a cuddler like Circe (my former love), but more of a "protector" and he LOVES anything I have recently worn (my coat is an immediate "run to").

I just spent 3 weeks on and off at my boss' place. When I would come "home" Mickey would MEOW to me so much; telling me of his disappointment of my absence. Tonight I returned and he ran into my arms! so much unconditional love! Although I had been gone for a week, there was not remorse, only joy at my arrival. People could learn a lot from animals...

Mattie (upon my visit in KS) "told" me how happy she was to see me, but instead of "you should have never left me" she displayed only "LOOK what I have now!". She ran all over my sis' property showing me what she has now. Tongue wagging, she watched me leave and although my heart rang out to her, she watched me drive away with a knowing contentment. that is what am searching for..."A knowing contentment"...

Is my association with animals an attempt to be as instinctually happy as them..."them" being animals that are loved and not doomed to be a product of the human food chain.


Food.

I've often thought that I would like to earn my PhD. but stopped short because "I wasnt' passionate about something enough to write a dissertation"....what is my passion now?

Now that I have realized that I cannot live "a culturally normal life", I wanted to find the "it" that drives me crazy. I belive the "It" contines to be food! I get so pissed off on so many levels about the current eating lifestyle. The waste, the ill health, the poison we eat everytime we put a process food product in our mouth. Why? So someone else can get wealthy off of it? Because people don't care that they are slowing killing themselves, not when there is a readily available drug to counter-attack the problem:

High Blood Pressure, no problem, don't cut out the salt, take a pill for the rest of your life.
High Cholesterol, don't cut back on animal products, take a pill for the rest of your lift.
Diabetes...a pill, hell, we have the "cure" in liquid form you can just shoot up everyday and you don't have to alter your damaging lifestyle!
Overweight/Obesity...we have pills for that too..a whole aisle in most supermarkets, so take your pick. Obviously they work; that's why there are so many???
Heart/Cardiovascular Disease, the mother of them all! if one of the above doesn't kill you all of them combined surely can. - to heighted your chances, smoke and drink regularly. With modern medice you too, can be kept alive without giving up a thing!

sigh....

11 March, 2009

running from something or yearning for more...

What is this feeling?? I want to leave everything. I want to move from my place, find a new job, leave this country...but on the flip side, i want to be close to something.


If I could turn back time...I would have my father still alive, but what would that change? Would it change me to have known a couple of months ago that I would have to alter my saying "my parents house" when it's really physically "my mom's house". It's not a matter of the "I wish" as in "I wish I would have been able to talk to him one last time". That's irrelavant, I can talk to him in my mind, plus it was always an unspoken emotion in our family about our love for one each other. Something that was not verbally needed. It's a matter of living life NOW instead of putting off for a future date.


Maybe I wouldn't want to run if dad were here? Maybe I would. There is a force pulling me somewhere, somewhere that is not DC. Where, I don't know...but somewhere that is not here. I am a patient person, but sometimes I want to scream "Where do I fit in". What in the hell am I doing here? Not necessarily DC, but what am I doing HERE, on this planet. How many people think the same thing??? How many people do anything about it?


My dad was bigger than I knew him. He was my dad for almost 41 years, but of that time, only 19 years did I live with him. He was Dave before I became a part of his life, and was Dave after I left home. How many lives did he touch...no way to know the numbers, but I am aware that it's impossible to judge. I used to want to be somebody, like a "mother Theresa" (without the nun part). My ego made me want to be remembered. Now that is still in my mind, but the importance of it is dimished. Once I am gone, does it really matter if I am remembered for generations? I have already made an impact on this earth because I am here. When I return (my catholic upbringing denouncing this mere thought) I will be a better person, I will remember death and be different.


I feel like going outside and screaming...and in my neighborhood, no one would think twice about the sound (although they might not recognize the voice). I won't though. I will assume that typing will ease my mind, the thoughts of the wandering lust. Putting it into the internet realm may make the urge lessen. I tried for months to just write and save to my hard drive or erase...it didn't work...now, I type and write in my journal to satisfy my mind...