16 February, 2009

contemplating freedom

Here I sit in my doorway with the sun bursting down on my face. What a great feeling and a precious moment for me; a moment that brings me back to a hundred different times in my life when I was in a similar physical position. The sun gives me energy. I don’t have “get out on this beautiful day” I only have to sit here in my space and be in the moment. Where will this moment of reflection lead me to exactly? That’s what I contemplate day in and day out now as I try desperately to stifle the urge to run; to explore; to feel freedom once again.

What is the cause of my restlessness this time? Is it because this time last year, I was on my way from Austria to Belize; off to another unknown location; off to new internal growth. Do I need to grow once again? What is pushing me to leave…is it dad? Is his spirit pushing me to pursue my goals and live life to the fullest?

I used to think I was running from situations as I moved from one place to another; I now know that I wasn’t running FROM, but running TO. ‘Running from' can mean not facing situations; and that was never the case. Leaving did not mean ignoring something, but instead the realization that whatever I was involved in was not meant to be pursued further. I guess that’s what I feel now, another “I did what I came to do” and now it’s time to go on.

Theoretically it’s always easy and makes perfect sense, logistically though it’s not so simple. I must stay here in DC for a bit longer. Financially it’s the thing to do as everything’s in my favor at the moment; plus I will honor my verbal commitment to be at my job for at least a year. Although I like to joke that “it’s all about me” that is really what it is, a joke, not an egotistical summary. I do take into account commitments and feelings.

The sun is moving and doorwayhas now become shaded and cold. Rather than bundle up, I will retreat to my desk and flip through the photo’s of my dad, whose presence is stronger than ever at this moment.

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