14 March, 2009

looking forward.

My freedom! I think I am trapped, but look what is at my 'back' doorstep. Stairway to something else. If i concentrate on "what I have" instead of "what I want" I can change my attitude.

Hang my hammock, enjoy the sun, think...enjoy who I am and where I am.

This 'Mad World' will go away!

unconditional love

I love coming home to Mickey. He is awesome. When I unlock all the doors to get into my "lock down" house he is waiting for me. I'm sure he runs down the stairs at the first click of the gate. He loves to be in my room and sleeps with me at night. He's not a cuddler like Circe (my former love), but more of a "protector" and he LOVES anything I have recently worn (my coat is an immediate "run to").

I just spent 3 weeks on and off at my boss' place. When I would come "home" Mickey would MEOW to me so much; telling me of his disappointment of my absence. Tonight I returned and he ran into my arms! so much unconditional love! Although I had been gone for a week, there was not remorse, only joy at my arrival. People could learn a lot from animals...

Mattie (upon my visit in KS) "told" me how happy she was to see me, but instead of "you should have never left me" she displayed only "LOOK what I have now!". She ran all over my sis' property showing me what she has now. Tongue wagging, she watched me leave and although my heart rang out to her, she watched me drive away with a knowing contentment. that is what am searching for..."A knowing contentment"...

Is my association with animals an attempt to be as instinctually happy as them..."them" being animals that are loved and not doomed to be a product of the human food chain.


Food.

I've often thought that I would like to earn my PhD. but stopped short because "I wasnt' passionate about something enough to write a dissertation"....what is my passion now?

Now that I have realized that I cannot live "a culturally normal life", I wanted to find the "it" that drives me crazy. I belive the "It" contines to be food! I get so pissed off on so many levels about the current eating lifestyle. The waste, the ill health, the poison we eat everytime we put a process food product in our mouth. Why? So someone else can get wealthy off of it? Because people don't care that they are slowing killing themselves, not when there is a readily available drug to counter-attack the problem:

High Blood Pressure, no problem, don't cut out the salt, take a pill for the rest of your life.
High Cholesterol, don't cut back on animal products, take a pill for the rest of your lift.
Diabetes...a pill, hell, we have the "cure" in liquid form you can just shoot up everyday and you don't have to alter your damaging lifestyle!
Overweight/Obesity...we have pills for that too..a whole aisle in most supermarkets, so take your pick. Obviously they work; that's why there are so many???
Heart/Cardiovascular Disease, the mother of them all! if one of the above doesn't kill you all of them combined surely can. - to heighted your chances, smoke and drink regularly. With modern medice you too, can be kept alive without giving up a thing!

sigh....

11 March, 2009

running from something or yearning for more...

What is this feeling?? I want to leave everything. I want to move from my place, find a new job, leave this country...but on the flip side, i want to be close to something.


If I could turn back time...I would have my father still alive, but what would that change? Would it change me to have known a couple of months ago that I would have to alter my saying "my parents house" when it's really physically "my mom's house". It's not a matter of the "I wish" as in "I wish I would have been able to talk to him one last time". That's irrelavant, I can talk to him in my mind, plus it was always an unspoken emotion in our family about our love for one each other. Something that was not verbally needed. It's a matter of living life NOW instead of putting off for a future date.


Maybe I wouldn't want to run if dad were here? Maybe I would. There is a force pulling me somewhere, somewhere that is not DC. Where, I don't know...but somewhere that is not here. I am a patient person, but sometimes I want to scream "Where do I fit in". What in the hell am I doing here? Not necessarily DC, but what am I doing HERE, on this planet. How many people think the same thing??? How many people do anything about it?


My dad was bigger than I knew him. He was my dad for almost 41 years, but of that time, only 19 years did I live with him. He was Dave before I became a part of his life, and was Dave after I left home. How many lives did he touch...no way to know the numbers, but I am aware that it's impossible to judge. I used to want to be somebody, like a "mother Theresa" (without the nun part). My ego made me want to be remembered. Now that is still in my mind, but the importance of it is dimished. Once I am gone, does it really matter if I am remembered for generations? I have already made an impact on this earth because I am here. When I return (my catholic upbringing denouncing this mere thought) I will be a better person, I will remember death and be different.


I feel like going outside and screaming...and in my neighborhood, no one would think twice about the sound (although they might not recognize the voice). I won't though. I will assume that typing will ease my mind, the thoughts of the wandering lust. Putting it into the internet realm may make the urge lessen. I tried for months to just write and save to my hard drive or erase...it didn't work...now, I type and write in my journal to satisfy my mind...

20 February, 2009

”Stop, I want to live in my ignorance”

Ignorance is the state in which a person lacks knowledge, sophistication or intelligence. The word 'Ignorant' is an adjective describing a person in that state.

As I sit waiting patiently for my take-out order at Java Green, the environmental and animal friendly cafĂ© near my office, I couldn’t help but overhear the loud-speaking woman sitting next to me as she expressed “Stop, I want to live in my ignorance”. Being close to the woman and her male friend, I had heard the whole conversation. He was telling her about a video he had seen on factory farming cruel methods of raising and killing animals for human consumption. His voice was calm and did not denote a “preaching” tone. He was explaining to the woman why HE chooses NOT to eat animal products and why he likes this particular restaurant and choose to bring her there.

She then defensively stated that she “could never give up meat”. Which the guy didn’t comment on. As her insecurity grew in the silence that followed the lull in the conversation she began to describe another restaurant experience. An experience that was completely inappropriate given her surroundings. In her disrespectful loud voice, she proceeded to describe a barbecue she just attended; a meat fest that she happily partook in.

Now I don’t give a flying f—k what this woman does in her earthly existence but I don’t want to hear about her chowing down on a dead animal when I am sitting in a vegan restaurant. Her friend trying to be nice about the situation, in a joking tone mentioned that his last barbecue consisted of a pile of luscious veggies grilled to perfection because he didn’t really like the thought of watching the flesh of a formerly living being being cooked right before his eyes.

At this point, the woman stated her now-ingrained-in-my-memory sentence “Stop, I want to live in my ignorance”. I didn’t think much of the statement or of the woman and decided to move to another spot to wait out my lunch. But as I got my food and went by her table again, she again said it but this time added “No, I really do, I like not knowing about things that can ruin my fun”. I wanted to throw up on her head but, since there was nothing in my belly, that was not possible, plus it would have ruined the carefully prepared vegan food in front of her.

As I walked back to the office, the thoughts flew around and around in my mind. How could a person WANT to live in ignorance? Or in her case STRIVE to live that way. I make a concerted effort not to judge people and I realize fully that there are people who are living in their ignorance not knowing that they are; this is different than making a conscious effort not to know, given the location. DC is a city swarming with multiple cultures, races, religions and languages. A city that is a mecca of true information, not the media bullshit you find on local american television stations. There is a homeless person on every corner selling “Street Sense” a small newspaper written by the homeless and funded by a non-profit to benefit those living without a roof over their head. Stuff like that is everywhere. There is the little Peruvian guy that I give a buck to now and then who plays his ethnic musical instrument outside my metro station. He makes me smile every time I emerge and hear him there and memories of my trip to Peru come flooding back every time!

What does that woman think of as she hurries past these people? Does she think about them at all? Does she walk right by as if they are not there? Maybe she doesn't think at all because that would denote intelligence, thus negating her current standing as ignorant...

How many people make a snide remark when there is a child crying on a metro train…too many to count. How many wish they could help the person who has to try and comfort the child...probably too many to count as well. I just hope that positive energy from those silently wishing the best for the adult and child can override the negative energy brewing in the uncaring ignorant sad souls of those who will stew over the audacity that an innocent child had to interrupt their quiet ride to work.

I bet that woman would go to an AA meeting and boast about how much fun she had pounding one beer after another and how she could NEVER give up drinking. I bet she would do that.

16 February, 2009

contemplating freedom

Here I sit in my doorway with the sun bursting down on my face. What a great feeling and a precious moment for me; a moment that brings me back to a hundred different times in my life when I was in a similar physical position. The sun gives me energy. I don’t have “get out on this beautiful day” I only have to sit here in my space and be in the moment. Where will this moment of reflection lead me to exactly? That’s what I contemplate day in and day out now as I try desperately to stifle the urge to run; to explore; to feel freedom once again.

What is the cause of my restlessness this time? Is it because this time last year, I was on my way from Austria to Belize; off to another unknown location; off to new internal growth. Do I need to grow once again? What is pushing me to leave…is it dad? Is his spirit pushing me to pursue my goals and live life to the fullest?

I used to think I was running from situations as I moved from one place to another; I now know that I wasn’t running FROM, but running TO. ‘Running from' can mean not facing situations; and that was never the case. Leaving did not mean ignoring something, but instead the realization that whatever I was involved in was not meant to be pursued further. I guess that’s what I feel now, another “I did what I came to do” and now it’s time to go on.

Theoretically it’s always easy and makes perfect sense, logistically though it’s not so simple. I must stay here in DC for a bit longer. Financially it’s the thing to do as everything’s in my favor at the moment; plus I will honor my verbal commitment to be at my job for at least a year. Although I like to joke that “it’s all about me” that is really what it is, a joke, not an egotistical summary. I do take into account commitments and feelings.

The sun is moving and doorwayhas now become shaded and cold. Rather than bundle up, I will retreat to my desk and flip through the photo’s of my dad, whose presence is stronger than ever at this moment.