16 November, 2008

If I still blogged….

If I still blogged I would have written about many things in the past months. Many things which continue to change me. Yes, me, the one who longs to put my thoughts down on this virtual paper, the me who doesn’t. The me who wants the world to know how I feel, but also the me who doesn’t. The me who just a few short months ago was crying in the Belizean Rain forest because I didn’t know where I belong, where I should be and how I should get there.

But now here I am sitting on my rug in my room trying to imagine a life where things didn’t fall into place; an existence where pain is a daily occurrence. I fall back into the old thinking of “why me”. Why the privilege, why do things fall into place when they need to; but when I least expect it. Love, Pain, Forgiveness, Joy, Surprise. I think above all, I crave surprise. I love change, I fear monotony. The unknown is what I crave, not the routine of one day after another going by in a blur as life is considered no more than a zombiatic refuge.

Now there is my new friend. Now there is my new friend. Someone who pushes me to work to my full potential. Someone who respects who I am; WHO I AM, the quirky bursting with life humanitarian. That same me who cries at the thought of a starving child, the me who battles insecurities, the me who things she has it all figured out at times and then turns a corner and realizes she’s internally lost. The me who can get completely caught off guard at a simple yellow handwritten note which he hid in my glove. To me it was much more than the quickly written “Hope you’re having a good day!” note. It represented the unexpected; the unexpected to me is like a drunk finding a swallow left in a discarded bottle.

I yearn for the unknown with all of my existence...