28 December, 2007

fear fear?

Karin and I took a walk one night. We had caught a mouse and didn’t want the little critter to be in a tiny prison all night until the morning. We bundled up and headed out the door. The moon was somewhat full, so we didn’t need a flashlight, but I brought one anyway. As we were walking, we both started to get jumpy and well, scared. We started talking about what we were afraid of and our differences were interesting as well as educational. I was scared of a “bad man” coming after us with a knife and Karin was scared of wild animals attacking us. I began to tell her how dumb that thought was…that a wild animal would attack us. Wild animals do not attack, they are actually more scared of us and anyway, there weren’t any wild animals in this area. She then proceeded to tell me how dumb my thoughts were…how the chances of a person attacking us are even less than a wild animal. We were in the middle of a beautiful area far away from a nearest town or even a road. We traced our fears back to television and the movies and stories we had heard. Too many Friday the 13th movies from my past! We ended up walking further and released the fears we had and I really wasn’t scared anymore.

Last week, after a seminar outside, Peter asked me if I had checked to see if the rather oversized fire we had lit outside was really out. I told him no, but that I would go look. The seminar and fire pit was not near the house and once I got all dressed for the cold, I headed outside only to realize that “shit, I am all alone”. There was a full moon this night so it was really bright outside, but that kind of made it worse, since there were shadows all around. My first thought as the distance grew between me and “safety” was, “no one would hear me if I screamed”. But then I wondered “why would I scream”? It has already been confirmed that there are no bad people or animals around, so what was I scared of. I straightened up and walked on with a clearer mind. I got to the fire and put some more snow on it just to be sure and then went inside the lone Tee Pee there. I forced myself to go inside and walk around and then out and around another structure all the while telling myself that nothing can hurt me here. I made it safely and securely back to the house and into the comforts of my bedroom with a renewed confidence level.

I know the dangers of unintelligent television programs, scary movies, racist/sexist song and other garbage that we put into our minds every waking hour of the day. I have been television and radio free for almost 2 years now and continuously have to reconstruct or undo the myths, fears, or other negative energies that have previously entered my brain. I still have to stop myself from thinking about the boogie man hiding under my bed waiting to grab my ankle (I have my sister to thank for that one!) and something biting my ass while I go to the toilet in the night (origins of which are unknown), but others I am breaking down. I now sleep with one curtain open to erase the stupid fear that someone is watching me. I mean come on, I am really in the middle of nowhere and it is about 5 degrees Fahrenheit outside. If there is some man desperate enough to endure a long hike and the freezing cold, then by gosh, let him watch me while I sleep all bundled up under the covers!

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