24 January, 2008

It is 3AM, do you know where your children are?

Another sleepless night, but actually it is not unwelcome. I have been on such a disorganized schedule since Dec. 1st that beings wide awake at 2AM seems almost normal. The difference now is that my thesis has been turned in, graded, an A- thank you very much, and I am now a “master of peace studies”, oh and I wrote the fastest thesis in the peace studies program history! So basically I have nothing pending at this crazy hour and now spend this gift of silence and darkness contemplating life and what lies ahead in my future. I have this renewed sense of freedom again. I am more alive than I have ever been. I feel freer than I ever have. Hell, I am turning 40 in about a month and I have never felt healthier or more balanced in my life. It is time to move on. I know the signs. Little things that previously did not irritate me bug the hell out of me now…like when you know it’s time to leave a relationship, the whole toilet seat thing.

I have applied for 5 different jobs in various places and countries and have heard back from 3 of them, well to be honest only one true “we are interested in finding more about you” email, the other 2 were just “thank you, we have received your information, we’ll let you know if we consider you important enough to email you again”. I am extremely excited about the one possibility though, but will not go on about it because it is hard enough to wait for another reply from the organization without dealing with well-intentioned email asking if I have heard something…

20 January, 2008


Peter and Katushia performed Reiki on me. In the session, they both placed their hands on my body, head, feet, arms, legs, stomach. During the session, I kept imagining all my bad thoughts and feelings flowing out of me like a thick liquid oozing from my back and on to the ground, through the floorboards and into the ground. I kept trying to imagine what is then growing from the ground but then my mind would wander. Before I spoke about my visions, they told me what pictures they received in their mind. Peter said that he saw the earth and me wearing a skirt. I need to bring out more of the woman or female part of me to have a balance, but also to recognize the strengths I possess as a woman. He saw me carrying a flower and walking freely in the trees and nature. Katushia expanded on my thoughts. She too saw what she called blood coming out of me in to the earth, but then the growth that I couldn’t see came to her. She saw a large flower growing from the earth stretching out on all sides and getting larger from the light of the sun. She saw me tending to the flower petals very gently, not using my male strength, but my female tenderness.

I was thinking a few days later that I didn’t need to bring out more feminity, I cook, I clean, I take care of the place, come on, I am a woman…but then Peter came in with some new snow shovels that he had bought. They were so cute, small and in bright yellow! I jumped up and said “COOL! We can use these on the front walk and it will be so easy to clear paths in the snow to the tee pee’s”. The handle was even expandable to fit it to your size. My excitement encouraged Peter to show me more. I explored all the details while putting my shoes on so I could go try it out in the newly fallen snow and Karin said…”yep, you really need to bring out more of your feminine side”. I glanced up with a quizzical look and she went on to say that my enthusiasm over a “tool” is definitely not a reflection of my female side. I argued that I was enthusiastic when my mom sent me a curtain for my bedroom window and I promptly hung it up. She said yeah “but you were REALLY excited over that shovel…and amongst their laughter, I had to agree.

for more info...http://www.reikiassociation.org.uk/3.html

07 January, 2008

Every challenge an opportunity.

I received an email from a former friend. This person was detrimental in helping me to realize my potential a long time ago. Unfortunately we had somekind of a falling out; resulting from what I can determine to be personality conflicts. People come in and out of my life for a reason and she was really important to me when I needed her support and knowledge and “don’t take any shit” attitude. Once I developed a stronger personality, I changed…she didn’t. I really do not know what the final straw was, but only that she choose to end our friendship, and never being one to chase after another, I accepted it. The email I received was so shocking and completely out-of-the-blue that after reading it twice, I deleted it and blocked her address. It has been almost 4 years since our parting of ways, but she continues to carry around an abundance of unnecessary negativity, not only for me but for life in general. This is a woman who has the intelligence, street smarts, and skills to have anything she wants out of life, but instead uses problems from her past (real and imagined) to lead a life fueled by hatred. I always imagined her happy and fulfilling her dreams; instead the opposite is happening. My emotional internal reaction to her email surprised me. Not one ill feeling entered my mind, only compassion and I realized at that moment how much I have grown as a human being. Instead of pissy feelings, a deep sadness overcame me and I could only pray that she finds something to change her attitude and outlook on life.

My parents sent me a graduation card stating “every dream a possibility, every day an adventure, every challenge an opportunity”. These are my new favorite sayings and I apply them earnestly. Her email challenged me to send back a rebuttal, but instead I took the opportunity to send her positive energy wishes. Wow, I have come a long way! There was a time when I would have tried to reconcile; the thought that someone didn’t like me used to eat at me…my ego was large and controlled my life. What I thought of myself was dictated by what others thought of me; or how they perceived me to be. Consider the difference between one person’s thoughts about something and what people as a whole think. The wife of my very first love hates me. I have not been with this man (her husband) since I was 19 years old, nonetheless, if she saw my face, she would probably want to throw a beer bottle at me like she did 20 years ago. Think of all that pent up unnecessary anger that has a found a place in her heart; the ridiculous jealousy she has towards my first experiment with love. In the past, I have explained my position to friends knowing that word would get back to her; my fruitless attempts to reconcile with the wife. Why did I feel the need to do this? The overall picture of my life includes hundreds of people who were positively touched by contact with me (and most importantly, vice versa). A couple of people who think differently does not mean I am a bad person, it only means that they themselves have a problem, which in the end has nothing to do with me; they have deeper issues to deal with.

It took me a long time to realize that what others think of me is not nearly as important as what I think of myself. I love myself now! This is not a conceited or selfish emotion; it is one derived from years of looking into the mirror and trying to see the me that is not visible in the reflection. The true reflection of who I am is not dependant on what clothes I put on, when I showered last or whether I wear my glasses or contacts. Physically, I guess people would think I look unkempt, or “like shit”. I do not wash my hair everyday, or even every other day (it’s winter, I wear a hat), I wear the same clothes for about a week (it’s winter, I do not sweat), and makeup has not seen my face for over a year.

I am who I am.

05 January, 2008

Happy 2008

What have I been up to?

Well the end of the year flew by in a whirlwind of writing and researching and then re-writing. I spent the holidays mainly alone, but not lonely. Being out here in seclusion from “real life” is affecting me. It has been a long time since I received the award as the “most enthusiastic and social” when I was on a paddling team in Hawaii. My social “party girl” image left me (thankfully) sometime in my early thirties. I have slowly withdrawn from being “in the know” and now have trouble even caring. This refers to extremities that otherwise do not concern my life…like who is dating, sleeping with, cheating on, or mad at who – real or fictional characters. I do revel in stories from family and friends and although I have not lately kept up with my blog, I am thankful that others have. The important things in life are family relationships 

and friendships. 

I know I am the most blessed person in the world to have such amazing support from those that love me. Those that understand that I am not tramping all over God knows where for pure enjoyment. I am following some crazy path that contains all kinds of detours, road blocks and forks throw about here and there and only I can decide which way to go. The faith that I will choose the right direction is strong; it is what I have unknowingly been preparing for during my life.

My new year was spent working. We had a group here of about 15 people who went into the sweat 

lodge around 10:00 pm and emerged at midnight. We served them delicious hot chocolate as the steam from the beverage mixed with the steam exuding from their sweaty naked bodies…oh yeah, naked, welcome to Europe. 

That is one thing that I continue to try to get used to, the acceptable nudity. I was pouring the hot chocolate and handing the cups to Karin who handed to the people as they crawled out from the lodge one after another, dazed and exhilarated to be in the cold snowy air. I was pouring intently consent rating on not overflowing the cups while holding my little flashlight in my mouth. When Karin finally said, that’s enough, I looked up and in the glow of the large bonfire, I saw all the naked people. I had to stiffel my laughter; not at them, but at the idea of where I was and what was happening.

Going into the sweat lodge is an experience in and of itself. I have gone in twice coming away with a different experience each time. Burning hot large rocks are brought in until the lodge is hotter than the hottest sauna and you chant, sing, yell, pray, or whatever you or your religious beliefs dictate. It is so hot that when you finally emerge, you are so thankful just to be out of the place, that it could be 10 degrees out and snowing and it wouldn’t faze you. That is how these people felt and then they shot arrows they had made earlier in the day into the Inn river. The tips of the arrows were lit on fire and they shot all the things they want to leave behind from 2007. Of course that was even more dumbfounding to me, naked people standing in the snow shooting a bow and arrow. I guess they weren’t the only “unusual” characters this evening. Karin, Melanie and I were all in costume too, dressed as Kachina’s (spirits of the invisible life forces).

I had on a red cape which made me feel really evil, and I kept swirling it around myself and over my face, only showing my eyes and exuding a devilish laugh…until I was told that I am ruining the energy of the cachina costume, so I physically stopped (but not in my mind). So while standing there in my red cape and mask, the people started giving each other happy new year hugs. This guy came up to me and then a lady to wish me the best as well. Karin and I then had to head back to the house to prepare the massive meal to be served at 2 AM.

While walking back, I mentioned that the year 2008 is bound to be exciting for me considering I am dressed like an earth spirit, felt like a devil and not only did I hug a naked man, I also hugged a naked woman!