28 December, 2007

fear fear?

Karin and I took a walk one night. We had caught a mouse and didn’t want the little critter to be in a tiny prison all night until the morning. We bundled up and headed out the door. The moon was somewhat full, so we didn’t need a flashlight, but I brought one anyway. As we were walking, we both started to get jumpy and well, scared. We started talking about what we were afraid of and our differences were interesting as well as educational. I was scared of a “bad man” coming after us with a knife and Karin was scared of wild animals attacking us. I began to tell her how dumb that thought was…that a wild animal would attack us. Wild animals do not attack, they are actually more scared of us and anyway, there weren’t any wild animals in this area. She then proceeded to tell me how dumb my thoughts were…how the chances of a person attacking us are even less than a wild animal. We were in the middle of a beautiful area far away from a nearest town or even a road. We traced our fears back to television and the movies and stories we had heard. Too many Friday the 13th movies from my past! We ended up walking further and released the fears we had and I really wasn’t scared anymore.

Last week, after a seminar outside, Peter asked me if I had checked to see if the rather oversized fire we had lit outside was really out. I told him no, but that I would go look. The seminar and fire pit was not near the house and once I got all dressed for the cold, I headed outside only to realize that “shit, I am all alone”. There was a full moon this night so it was really bright outside, but that kind of made it worse, since there were shadows all around. My first thought as the distance grew between me and “safety” was, “no one would hear me if I screamed”. But then I wondered “why would I scream”? It has already been confirmed that there are no bad people or animals around, so what was I scared of. I straightened up and walked on with a clearer mind. I got to the fire and put some more snow on it just to be sure and then went inside the lone Tee Pee there. I forced myself to go inside and walk around and then out and around another structure all the while telling myself that nothing can hurt me here. I made it safely and securely back to the house and into the comforts of my bedroom with a renewed confidence level.

I know the dangers of unintelligent television programs, scary movies, racist/sexist song and other garbage that we put into our minds every waking hour of the day. I have been television and radio free for almost 2 years now and continuously have to reconstruct or undo the myths, fears, or other negative energies that have previously entered my brain. I still have to stop myself from thinking about the boogie man hiding under my bed waiting to grab my ankle (I have my sister to thank for that one!) and something biting my ass while I go to the toilet in the night (origins of which are unknown), but others I am breaking down. I now sleep with one curtain open to erase the stupid fear that someone is watching me. I mean come on, I am really in the middle of nowhere and it is about 5 degrees Fahrenheit outside. If there is some man desperate enough to endure a long hike and the freezing cold, then by gosh, let him watch me while I sleep all bundled up under the covers!

16 December, 2007


My new thesis and I are doing great and are enjoying our quick but wonderful relationship. I will be turning in the draft hopefully on Tues. the 18th...two days ahead of my previously sought after deadline.

I have been happy with the new content, although I do believe that there are signs that maybe, just maybe I have been spending too much time typing on my computer. While taking giveing my tired computer a much needed break, I took to reading one of the books jotting down quotes on an actual paper with a pen. A random thought popped into my mind and i started scribbling rapidly as the thoughts were coming faster than I could write. I then picked up my pen and made a move to hit [Ctrl + S] in order to save the document that I was physically writing. I looked up at my computer which was about 3 yards away from me and realized that I will be happy when my life is back to a normal...of course we all have ideas of normality.

I also found out that you cannot die from excessive amounts of coffee!

03 December, 2007

I have amicably divorced my thesis.

My former-thesis, (previously known as my thesis) is garbage. In it I was writing about nutrition, obesity and its affect globally. Well it was stocked plum full of worldwide information on statistics, nutritional regulations including what the US and United Nations deem fat by measuring Body Mass and how these are different in other countries because people have different genetic make-ups, blah blah blah. I also had charts leading to diseases from food and preventative measures. After meeting with my thesis advisor, I realized that I do not support governmental regulations (especially in the country on my passport) so why am I promoting this form of structural violence in my thesis. By supporting what a government entity such as the USDA says, I am actually promoting stereotypical control and conformity. The USDA is paid to promote food products, or else they would not logically officially classify frozen French fries as a “fresh vegetable”, which they did in I think 2004. Who in the hell do you think paid for that, hmmm….

My revelation caused a couple of spontaneous things to happen, namely that my former-thesis is just that, former. I can use a little of the 57 pages of information that I had already written in my former thesis in my new and improved thesis (N&IT), but most of it is regulatory bull-shit which no one should listen to. My N&IT will base eating and lifestyle on feelings and energy produced by the way you live. Not energy in terms of physical exertion, but more as an energetic field. If you have ever been around someone that just wears you out after being around him/her for a couple of minutes or someone who has the attitude “if I am not happy, no one will be” then you have experienced negative energy. Sit in a room with a Shaman or a Swami, or anyone at peace within themselves and you will have experienced positive energy.

This can be directly related to food in the way that if you put an organic carrot grown in a environmentally conscientious way in your body you will have a different energy (feeling) than if you put a piece of factory farmed meat in your stomach. ALL Factory farms pack tens of thousands of animals into small amounts of spaces, which the US has the most horrendous lax regulations about than any country in the world (this is a fact, not just my biased judgment). My thesis will include the absolutely inhumane, cruel and abusive treatment given to animals in the human food chain. It will also include my thoughts that there is absolutely NO justification for anyone to purchase such products. Saving money is not an excuse. Meat consumption in the US has doubled since the 1950s and in the 50s no one was mal-nourished. Eat less of the ethical (more expensive) meat instead. See how it makes you feel by spending a few dollars more for organic, humanely raised animal and animal products. See how it makes you feel knowing that you just fought the system that creates such animal suffrage. Factory farming runs on supply and demand just like most things. If the demand for organic humanely treated animal products goes up, the amount of animals factory farmed will go down.

If you saw your neighbor's pet confined day after day to a concrete and metal cage not even big enough to turn around in, most people would be outraged and demand that the animal be released. Why then, do most people turn a blind eye on cows, chickens, fish and pigs (among other animals) that are raised that way? I am not here to judge, but to ask questions.

Okay, that is what my new thesis will be on: the ethics of food consumption! I do not try to preach that my ethics are somehow better than someone else’s, no that is what governments do, but I do believe that a vast majority of populations would agree that abusing an animal is “ethically” wrong, regardless of the reasoning behind it.

As Alanis Morisette put it so gracefully "These R the thoughts (that go through my head)".