I was struck with emotion the yesterday while hiking in the hills around the city of Pucol. I had gone for a jog/walk and ended up on a hiking trail overlooking the city all the way to the sea. I suddenly started to cry and I didn’t know why. I was all alone in this incredibly peaceful beautiful setting and the tears started to come and I didn’t try to stop them. After a few moments I felt better and started back down the hill. Looking back, I got emotional because of the privileges I have in life and how fortunate I am; but why do I deserve this when so many are suffering. Why do “good things” to happen to me; like the opportunity to have found a job teaching English (without any prior teaching skills); meeting the McKees; living with them and having a steady salary on top of it…why do these things happen to me and not to others. I know it has something to do with karma and how positive energy begets positive things, but it still is hard to accept at times.
When I reach my goal to work in disaster relief, I will be able to experience the suffering that others go through because they happened not to be born in a “developed” country, although the current victims of Katrina in New Orleans are struggling for basic human rights and they live in America. I did toss around the idea of going back to the US and working with a non-profit promoting human rights for Katrina victims…but, I am just not ready to do that yet. For my own personal growth, I need to experience living in a country that doesn’t have a culture of over-consumption and waste. Living in Spain on a very tight budget has prepared me as best it could have. Here I have learned to live with out the luxuries I previously though I couldn’t live without a car, clothes dryer, phone, unlimited internet access; as well as the ability to communicate verbally to my family and friends on a regular basis.
That is something I think about a lot. I know I am not as physically close as I used to be, but now I think I am sort of emotionally detached. Many times I feel an outsider and guilty because I am not focusing my energy on my family that could possibly benefit from my support. I feel sometimes that I am drifting away and closing my heart to my “former life” maybe I am doing so subconsciously because someday I could be completely “cut off” from contact and this is just a way to make it easier. I often think that is one reason that I have not been able to now (and could not in the past) develop a strong bond with a man that could lead to a “future together”. I always knew something deep down was holding me back. I know that I will find someone when the time is right for both of us…and if I don’t, then I will have spent my whole life perfecting “being alone” which is actually so much easier in many cases.