08 June, 2018

Oh no, not Today

Oh no, not today
was my gut reaction when I saw him.

It's been a very long couple of months, lots of changes, new kids, long and extra long hours, 2 major construction projects going on.  The last couple of days have been even busier with 40 people volunteering their time here on 2 separate missions. 

My stress level was high.
After 2 days of playing games, learning, and overall having a grand time, the kids were high strung.  They had trouble 'coming down' after all the attention and excitement; they're kids, they are happy kids.
Oh no, not today... 

I like to think I'm a big kid at heart, but in reality, I'm too sensible.  I try hard to not think about the consequences, the inevitable clean up that will have to follow, but I can't just jump in a pile of mud without thinking things through.  That's what adults like me lack, the inability to stop forward thinking.  It is not that I never let loose, but I do it consciously.

But what if you are abused.  What if you had the ability to think things through, but were given random and sometimes violent consequences.  What if acting like a kid brought laughter and smiles one day and the same situation the next day brought pain and suffering.
Oh no, not today...

So today was stressful, not in a bad way, but in a busy way.  
Wayne and Dara went to check out the situation social services had informed us about.  So I was left in charge of Wat Opot.  A busy and demanding Wat Opot.  I was pulled in every direction; kind of like every day, but amplified.  

I thought a couple of times, "I'm good, I have things totally under control" as I searched for random requested items such as rope, nails, thin boards, hammer, shovel, smaller shovel, scissors, cotton...and I was spot on.  Not to toot my own horn, but I am on the upper level of organization, the supervisor of my domain and no matter what anyone says about it, it's a necessary compulsion.
But really, today?

Things were going smoothly albeit stressfully, did I mention that?  I was fine, I was in control of my emotions.  Then Wayne brought him in, today.


I looked at this little boy.  The little boy with scars on his body and scalp, swollen face, and fading bruises.  I just looked at him as he came to me and took my hand, somehow sensing (or was it an innocent hoping), that things would be better now.  

But they were not better for me.  All the stress of the day came to a roaring head. I shook my head in disbelief, what the hell?  How in the hell? 

Today. Really? Today?

I am globally alive.  I am aware of the atrocities of what a human can do to another human, even to a small one.  BUT to actually see it live in front of me, to realize it will be (in a large aspect) my responsibility to care for him now.  It is my job to make him feel safe and loved.  To change his image of a caregiver.

Today, of all days, I was not prepared for him.

I blinked back tears as he walked over to me "Oh no, not today" as he choose to sit in my lap, as he laid his small hands on my knees.  His trust in me pushed me to the brink of releasing all the stress from the day.  I had the urge to weep uncontrollably, a primal emotion wanting to escape the depths of my soul.

Yes, it was today.

To counteract the emotions, I went into my safe zone, organization.  I got him some clothes (as he only had the ones on his back) and that brought forth a smile.  Our caregiver and our teacher came to coo over him, to tell him in his mother tongue that everything would be okay now, how he looked so handsome in his new clothes.  I escaped to the storage room to get him a blanket, a pillow, a toothbrush and was taking deep breaths when I heard a commotion at the door.

There they were, a group of beautiful little kids, arms around him, telling him that 'mommy would get him everything he needed'.  They oohed and ahhed at the mundane items I was giving him.  His new 'surrogate  brother', Sophal put his arm around him and led him to the television and requested "Harold and the Purple Crayon".  

They watched Harold draw his imaginary adventures as I briefly touched him again - is he really here?- before I left the room.  I went about the rest of the busy afternoon with the little guy constantly on my mind.



He found me at dinner time and I handed him a hardboiled egg and Wayne offered him some salt in a bowl.  He cautiously picked at it, dipping a piece of the egg in the salt and putting it in his mouth.  He then glanced at us smiling at him and he devored the thing!  It won't take long until he puts more kilos on that small body.

The older kids came around to see their new little brother, giving him more love and encouragement and reassurance.



After dinner, he stayed by my side and we went to meet his night-time super amazing caregiver, Mr. Phal.   Mr. Phal has been with Wat Opot for almost 10 years and he is everyone's sweet grandpa.  At one point, I picked him up and cradled him like a baby (not Mr. Phal ;-) stating  "oh look at the new little one" as I tickled him.  He laughed, but a strange forced laugh.  It was as if he remembered the concept of laughing but was unsure of how to do it.

 It was then time for meditation and I led him to a place sitting amongst all the kids on the floor. Right before we got started, he got up from his seated position and came to me boldly on the stage (in front of everyone), sat by my side and put his hand on my knee.  We have had dozens of children experience their first Wat Opot meditation and no child has ever reacted like this.  Kids usually just go with the flow and maybe wonder what these crazy people are up to, but this little boy felt uncomfortable and changed his situation.

It gives me hope that his ability, his strength, to seek out comfort in a new and quite possibly confusing situation will help him deal with all that has happened to him.  Hopefully his sense of self worth will shine through.

And you know, as I sit here tonight alone in my room, the tears just won't come.  Are they stifled by pure exhaustion, or is it hope for the future and all the wonders it holds?

If not today, then when?




29 March, 2018

$10 shoes


I read to the little girls in the dorm almost every night and they have their favorites, which I end up reading over and over and over and…so much so that I can read most without even looking at the words.  One of them is “The Cat in the Hat Comes Back”.  I have read it so many times to them, I could recite it in my sleep.

There are things that I would have never given a second thought to in regards to content in the books I read, nor would have the American kids I have read to over the years.  But here in Cambodia daily things are different, such as we don’t take baths in a bathtub.  Here’s we take ‘bucket baths’ where you take the water scoop and scoop the water out of the tank and pour it over your head and body, soap up and then repeat.

So…when the Cat in the Hat leaves a pink cat ring in the tub, I always must explain what a dirty tub ring is.  Without ever seeing a bathtub (except for in books) it is kind of hard for them to imagine.  I tried to explain it like the ring in my coffee mug when I have old coffee sit for days…but I think that just screwed up their perception more.

There is one part of the book that has -each and every time- reminded me of my dad. 

“Let me tell you some news.
To take spots off a wall,
All I need is two shoes!”

Whose shoes did he use?
“This is very bad news.
Now the spot is all over
DAD’s $10 SHOES!”

and then:
 'His $10 shoes will have
No spots at all
I will rub them right off
On this rug in the hall.”

Why my dad?  When the book was published in 1958, ten dollars may have bought a very nice pair of shoes, maybe they were quite expensive, but in 2018, a good pair of ten dollar shoes really doesn't exist.  But you know what, Dave Lies would have found a nice pair of $10 shoes and by damn, not only would he have bought them, but he would have told everyone about those amazing shoes and how much he saved on them.  He would have worn them everywhere and boasted of his bargain hunting.


The Christmas before my dad died (a mere month later), he proudly displayed such a bargain.  He wore his -now infamous- pink shirt and informed everyone how damn good he looked!  Not just “I like this shirt”, but an over exuberant “Hey, take my picture, I LOOK DAMN GOOD IN THIS SHIRT!”  and then on to explain just what a bargain that shirt was.  

Maybe that shirt was only $10, maybe it was less, but regardless of the price, my dad’s frugalness lives on in all our memories.  All those wonderful priceless memories.

In many ways, I have inherited my father’s frugalness -it just took a while to rear it's head.  Now this is something he would have never believed!  I don’t think I could have believed it myself, years ago. How could a grown woman survive without earning an income? How could someone truly live off the generosity of others? That is what is great about the unknown…about finally letting go and allowing the universe take hold of your life and guide you in the right direction.  Guide you outside your comfort zone and in my case, to the other side of the world.

Letting go of negativity is my goal for 2018.  To really focus on what is here in front of me at small moments in time.  To allow myself to be truly happy by reveling in the small pieces of joy that are constantly around me.  Not to just nonchalantly open my arms to a child needing a hug, but to see it, to feel it, to hug back consciously, to love back fully.  To allow those small moments of each day heal me and now that I have turned a ½ century, I need all the healing I can get!

When my dad turned 50, my mom had a huge multi-town-wide surprise party for him at the local dance hall.  It’s hard to believe that I just hit that milestone and although my 50th birthday was nothing like that, the surprises big and small trickled in, from a decorated house, 



to a coffee treat prepared just the way I like it and presented to me while I was getting some much needed accounting done.


to a ‘birthday book’ so chock FULL of surprise well-wishes it made me cry! 


Like my dad seeing one friend after another come forth at his party, page after page revealed one unexpected birthday wish after another and I read such wonderful words from friends and family near and far.  Words I truly hope I live up to.

It is a bit uncanny how I got to where I am today, not just physically, but mentally.  When I quit working (after 7 years) for a billionaire family, many people questioned “What is wrong with you?”, “Why would you quit!”, “How could you give up THAT job?” as if a ‘job’ was the end all and be all of happiness.  I have never regretted my decision to quit my luxurious (depending on your taste) surroundings, but you know…looking back, if I had stayed there, 16 years later what would have been written to me on my birthday?  I highly doubt anything would be on my cards except for “Happy Birthday” and something like “congratulations on being surrounded by superficial things and money instead of love”. 


Like my dad receiving hug after greeting after smile that evening, small deeds move me,  but are sometimes received quietly.  Kind words are special, and picturing the smile of a loved one warms my heart.  The world is so scary and complicated and hostile and wonderful, that just being healthy and supported makes it a little less scary and hostile, a little less complicate and a lot more wonderful.


To everyone who has or continues to give me financial, emotional and physical (I am getting old!) support, I thank you from the top of my heart.  Without it, I would not be able to be here!  I would never have known how it feels to splurge on a $3.50 latte, a $25 room and have found out how my feet feel in shoes that were gifted to me.